Given the title of this blog, it is tempting to describe in detail my adventures in dating. And I will, but it won't be, perhaps, what you think it will be.
Recently, the idea of dating one's friends was introduced to me by a new friend, Cindy, who, by her own definition, I am now dating. To clarify what this means, think of traditional dating. And when I say "traditional," I am not referring to the method by which two people initiate contact, or by which they then spend time in courtship (for example, meeting in a grocery aisle and then planning an outing for coffee or drinks as opposed to "window shopping" online or with an app and then judging compatability based on resumes of what may or may not be accurate information).
No, by "traditional," I refer to the romantic or intimate version of dating, i.e., the goal being some form of coupling. This is what I am NOT writing about, as tragic and/or comedic as that might have been.
For the purpose of this post, let us define dating, then, as searching for your new BFF or gal pal in much the same methods as one would in finding a partner, minus the romance and/or physical intimacy that one might yearn for or find in a, well, "partner" scenario.
It's really quite simple and logical. When looking for friends, you actually end up employing many of the same tactics and thought processes as in "traditional" dating. You first have to find possible candidates. And where might that happen (besides the grocery store aisle, or even the shoe aisle)? In a bar? Doing an activity you love? Online? Yes. All three, and more!
1. In a bar. OK, well, let's first clear up that I don't hang out in bars. That being said, I did join a couple meetup groups when I arrived in Oregon in hopes of meeting friends to hang out with. The first three actual meetups did occur in restaurants with bars. And many people were drinking. Surprisingly, I connected somewhat with a few women, "got their numbers," and have subsequently spent time with one of them in particular because there was "an attraction," if you will. We liked the same things; we made each other laugh. But more on "second dates" in a moment.
2. Doing an activity you love. Whether it's joining a hiking club, building a home through Habitat for Humanity, or going to a Toastmasters club, if you find activities you enjoy, you could well meet a soul mate and have someone to spend time with outside of the activity, based on an initial shared love of something such as hiking, building, or speaking. And then that could eventually bloom into something more (platonically speaking).
3. Online. If you've never used online dating, via either a website or an app, you may not fully grasp both this highly productive and yet sorely impersonal method for finding, allegedly, your match. The numbers are great, so statistically, you have a great chance of eventually finding at least one suitable "catch." However, without the human, face-to-face interaction, these methods can sometimes misrepresent potential mates.
Until recently, I did not realize that with these apps, you could not only search for partners/hookups/ spouses/loves, but also...FRIENDS! Another new friend I'm dating, Haley, shared with me that she uses Bumble, a phone app for finding dates, to also search for friends. You can, in the settings, select "men seeking women," "women seeking men, " "women seeking women," "men seeking men," OR...BFF!
I just love this idea! I was excited to try it! I knew the margin for error was high, but felt it was worth casting that larger net. I set the age parameter to 40-60 (I'm young at heart, but wiser than my years), the distance to within 25 miles (I mean, who wants to drive farther than that just to hang out?), and hit SEARCH.
I got exactly two results.
Now, for those who have never used these types of data sorting programs, that's really LOW. It indicates a low number of subjects from which to sort. Haley had told me she met TONS of women this way! Of course, Haley is in her 20's (too young for me?). Apparently, women my age don't usually use online dating apps to find their friends.
So, those are the three main avenues for searching for friendship. There is also the less common (these days) blind date, where a friend sets you up with another friend, sure that the two of you will hit it off. I have a blind date tomorrow, as a matter of fact, with Jamie, whom I've met once at a dinner party, but never actually spoke to. I'm kind of nervous. We all know how blind dates often turn out.
Once you have met, the next decision branch, if you will, is whether you want to see each other again. Did you enjoy your time? Did you feel comfortable? Excited? Did you laugh? Or were you checking your phone and apologizing for having forgotten you had a hair appointment? Can you see yourself spending more time with this person? Are you ready to commit 2+ hours to seeing a movie together? What about a half day hike or trip to a winery? Could you stand to be stuck in a car on a road trip with this person? Would you want them in your home?
And so, as in "traditional" dating, there is that uncertain, giddy feeling of newness and mystery, the fantasizing of harmony and closeness, and the fear of rejection once they see the "real you."
Not surprisingly, I have found the "bar" meetups and the "dating" apps to be my least favorite forms of finding potential besties, just as they leave me less than satisfied when looking for a partner. And yet....I met Cindy at that first bar meetup. Won't it be fun one day when someone asks, "so how did you two meet?" and we look at each other with glances that communicate everything silently, including our entire friendship history and any private jokes we've established, and simultaneously remark, "in a bar" before breaking out into girlie giggles or no-holds-barred guffaws.
After all, she COULD be the one...
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